For this post I’d like to explore the moment of self-denial and physical paralyzation which aptly summarizes Melinda’s state of mind in one paragraph on page 28. Melinda says that what really happened at the party, why she really called the cops, is a part of herself which she can’t look at. She (appropriately) treats her experience at the party as an absolutely vile one, the thoughts of which induce nausea and lip maiming. Even the mirror in her room–the sight of herself–reminds her too much of her pain.

“What really happened,” (the truth) is physically inaccessible to Melinda. Anderson depicts Melinda’s loss of agency through outside forces in this paragraph. Foreign hands close around her throat, she has a “headvoice” separate from her own, and animals rustle in her stomach. This paragraph suggests the disrespect for bodily autonomy inherent in the cause of Melinda’s trauma. Melinda can’t even look at herself anymore because, as we read earlier, her face seems unlike her own. Nor can she bear to look at what happened to her in a more metaphysical sense.

This struggle is, of course, an incredibly understandable reaction. No blame can be placed upon Melinda for not speaking or not wanting to look at herself. The pain she associates with herself, her voice, and her body shouts through the lines of this paragraph when she gets stuck after a confrontation with the girl behind her. The surrounding, hostile crowd only heaps more pain on her, and their knowledge of the call which got so many in trouble is written on their faces: reflecting and unknowingly mirroring Melinda’s unspeakable experience back to her.